Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
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Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
<—- homeless romantic
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir