Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
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I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Me, in DM rooms…
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
