Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

“you recording!?”