Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,

“You cannot park there”

“It’s not my car”

“You have to move it”

“It’s not my car”

“Move it or get a fine”

“It’s not my car”

Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”

“It’s not my car”

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

😂

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

I am patiently waiting for your email

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From