Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”

“The bride has also written her own vows.”

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

Saw online –

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.