Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

the worm is coming from inside the brain

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.