ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
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Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.