Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what