Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
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Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.