Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
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My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
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[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.