Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
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When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Nice try, poison.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.