Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
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a god among men
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”