Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
You Might Also Like
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.