A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
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No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now