ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.

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[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]


If you love something set it free,unless it’s a lion. Don’t do that.


Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.


Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.


Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.



What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret


God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.


Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.