There’s no “us” in nachos.
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My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
very niche meme I made
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
translated into Canadian
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD