I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it’s just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.
Alcohol doesn’t cause hangovers….waking up does.
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.