@Jenniferf42

Alcohol doesn’t cause hangovers….waking up does.

You Might Also Like

@moist_jeff

I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it’s just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.

@djdarrellripley

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

@MelvinofYork

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

@TallDarkHandsy

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

@bugbucket

it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager

@bentev28

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

@GuyBreakup

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

@TheAlexP

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

@elle91

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

@mjkspeaks

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.