My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
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Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.