Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
You Might Also Like
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.