Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
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An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t