Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.