Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
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scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
a fate I wish upon no one
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.