Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
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Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Tremendous stuff
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?