Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
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[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh