Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
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Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Geez man, take it easy.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
At least my masseuse has my back.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.