Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
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If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.