Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
BETRAYAL
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
can you read it!!??
maan!
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille