Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
the rocks need my help
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition