Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?