alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance
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Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Finished stitching this today 😇
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Tough love is true love
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels