@web_supergirl

Alcohol is claiming me as a dependent on his taxes this year.

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@rockymomax

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

@Tmoney68

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

@Carbosly

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

@DearAuntAbby

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

@Shock_Monster

Camping.

Or as I like to call it:

“White people playing homeless.”

@pilau

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

@XplodingUnicorn

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

@no_talent_shan

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

@Jandalize

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20