If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
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[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.