Alcohol is claiming me as a dependent on his taxes this year.

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MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol


So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?


Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.


He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.



Or as I like to call it:

“White people playing homeless.”


Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!


[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.


my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in


My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20