Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.