Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

Strudel me like one of your toaster girls

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

This sounds bad:

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.