“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
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*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
A decision was made here.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain