Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
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Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up