Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

christening a ship with an overripe banana

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband