Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
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If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there