If I was Maria and I was hearing them sing “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria” at my wedding I would be like, why are you singing that mean song about me & why do all of you know it
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
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Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Me: Can I leave early today?
Me: Can you leave early then?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?
#MyIdeaOfKinky is sending you a picture of me in my bra.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
*puts Fitbit on Roomba
*eats crackers with no plate or napkin
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS