Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
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[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.