@1evilidiot

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

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@BrotiGupta

If I was Maria and I was hearing them sing “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria” at my wedding I would be like, why are you singing that mean song about me & why do all of you know it

@DontDraketheIce

Detective: how were u able to do it?

Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder

@Reverend_Scott

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

@fire2sweet

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

@juliussharpe

Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?

@hamersauce

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

@ThaJawn

*puts Fitbit on Roomba

*eats crackers with no plate or napkin

@dafloydsta

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS