Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
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me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Not all heroes wear capes….
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Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
But is it really??
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In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.