Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
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I think I’m gonna be sick
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
Cinematography is my passion
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal