Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
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Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?