Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
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[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I falcon love using swear birds
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”