Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
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Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Breaking news:
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
TRAIN’S HERE
Me when I hear gossip
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system