Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
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11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Breaking news:
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator