Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
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Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome