Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
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A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.