Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
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“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.