@AGStr8upNinja

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

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@brandonIee

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

@EndhooS

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

@meganamram

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

@ChicksRule

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

@LurkAtHomeMom

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

@Cpin42

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

@BruceForce

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

@Love_bug1016

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

@KKBowls

Don’t hand out condoms to high school students. Take away their deodorant and toothbrush. That’ll cut down teen pregnancy