Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

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If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you


[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]


Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff


Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘


My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.


My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole


Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.


Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly


Don’t hand out condoms to high school students. Take away their deodorant and toothbrush. That’ll cut down teen pregnancy