Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
You Might Also Like
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
eggs benadryl
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”