alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
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me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Wake me when AI does housework
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Stop sending me this shit.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.