alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
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Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
guilty
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
going to the ER y’all need anything
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone