Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
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professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
i just found this in my phone
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
I’m that battle for like 3 different people.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Happy Febuary everyone!
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day