Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.