Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
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Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most