@mstern68

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

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@SlimSinclair

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?

Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

@DaddyJew

I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese

@NewDadNotes

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

@caithuls

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

@catcohen

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

@Jack_C44

Hello couchness my old friend
I’ve come to sleep on you again
Because a wife softly seething
Hates the fact that I’m breathing

@iamnoturbf

another day has passed and i still haven’t used pythagorean theorem

@junejuly12

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.