sometimes I question my sanity, sometimes it replies
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
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Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Hello couchness my old friend
I’ve come to sleep on you again
Because a wife softly seething
Hates the fact that I’m breathing
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
another day has passed and i still haven’t used pythagorean theorem
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.