Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

You Might Also Like


Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?

Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish


I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese


[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda


[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?


me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175


Hello couchness my old friend
I’ve come to sleep on you again
Because a wife softly seething
Hates the fact that I’m breathing


another day has passed and i still haven’t used pythagorean theorem


Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.