Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.