alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
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My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins