alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
You Might Also Like
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
socratic questions