Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.