Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
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alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
I will never stop laughing at this
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
May never get over this
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
A new level of troll.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…