Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.

me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”