Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.