Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

If you are reading this then you are reading this

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain