Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
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Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
pictures of spider-man
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Blew out my flip flop…
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.