Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
You Might Also Like
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
#winning
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Autocarrot sucks!
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.