Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
You Might Also Like
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
ACED my prostate exam!
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no