Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?

Perfect

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

me when the borders lift

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)