Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

Ok, but like, how married are you?

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

It’s 6am somewhere!

~Toddlers waking up at 4am.

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.