Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away