Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
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UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
An odd boast
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder