Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on holiday!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

checking out some reviews of my local library

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

Software Development ⛵️

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

my mind

You just read my mind

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs