Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
zone out
incredible book dedication
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade