Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp