Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.

Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

Had to try this trend 😊

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

The news in a nutshell.

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

why I oughta

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to