Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

Finally a use for spoilers…

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

imagine u running from the police at night and yo sketchers start lighting up

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

SF is the wild wild west man

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed